Just like this.

Here I am again. Back.

So what is going on with me? A lot, and at the same time nothing at all.

I feel really low. Really bad. I wish I could start writing about happy stuff, you know? Write about happy things. And happy thoughts. But what I've discovered lately is that this is all writing is to me. This is how important and at the same time, equally unimportant it is. I write when I'm in pain. Every writer has their own source of inspiration. Great works derived from even greater emotions. And this is mine. Sad to say..but it is. The greater emotion is always a non-happy emotion. And so until a time comes where it is not, this is where all my words will be coming from. Out of that stupid dull ache in my chest.

You know that cliche where they say the past always comes back to haunt you? Well, that's the annoying part about cliches. They are so true. So full of truth. Annoyingly, that is. But what the shit, that's why they're called cliches. Because people are so damn tired of them, and yet they can't help but nod at them.

Well, there's no blast from the past going on with me. No ex-boyfriends knocking down my door threatening me. But it's more like, ME haunting ME. Sometimes I don't know how to live with myself anymore. Well, that's a tad bit exaggerated. But sometimes, I feel awful being me. In some aspects that is. The thing is, no matter how good I am at something..it's just not enough. I can't feel good about the things I have accomplished. And I realize that this is the reason why I keep on looking for things. Certain things. Whatever things, you know? Just to keep myself preoccupied probably. I'm trying to fulfill a part of me that is not in need of fulfillment. It's like the freaking body system. No matter how healthy all your other systems are, if one fails..it affects everything.

I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS. I refuse to. I remember the random times I had breakdowns during the last two years, or three. Or maybe four, I'm not sure. I haven't had those in a long time. That scares me. It's like..there's a feeling of impending doom. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of having one..but I don't know. I don't know what to say either. I jutst don't want those awful breakdowns that nobody knows about but me. I can't say I'm not happy anymore. But more like, I'm not happy..STILL.

I don't know if I want to post this online. I value openness as much as I value privacy. I don't want to let people know how I feel. Coz I'm sure as hell that it doesn't show. Maybe there are times that I slip..but no one's there to notice. So i'm still good. But I do want to post this. Some sort of absurd hope that maybe pouring my heart out to my blog will help...since I can't do it to anyone anyway. And even if I do try to blurt it out to someone...i will lose my words. i will lose my thoughts. i will lose my guts. I'll end up making a joke about it.

I don't always have to be in control. I know that. I hate that I know that because I don't want to know it. This is the story of my life. Always saying "I'm STILL not happy." I can't be like this.. They say try and try until you succeed. Another one of those sucker motivational quotes. Well, I have been trying to be happy. I have tried to not focus on being NOT happy. I even stopped thinking that I was trying to be happy. I did. I let go. And still..no. Something is missing. Or something is misplaced, maybe. I don't know. Apparently..I have been saying I don't know.

Well, whatever is broken in my system...it's starting to affect my other healthy systems. Coming home everyday and lying in my bed, thanking the world the day is over. And then cursing it the next minute because I know another day awaits. This is no way to live. I wanna wake up everyday looking forward to something. Or be hopeful for something. Or be excited. Not dragging my feet to bathroom at the start of the day wishing for it to end. It's like I'm counting my days. It sucks not knowing how to feel good about yourself even if there are things to feel good about. Realizing that I have so much more than others..it should be enough.

The more I think about it..the more I realize things. And one of them is that...I don't like who I am. I don't like it at all.. I don't like the things that I have done. I don't like the thoughts in my head. I don't like not knowing what I will be the next day and the day after that. I don't think I like who I'm becoming either. And if by chance I do want to change that...then I don't know who the heck I want to be or how I want to be. Lost..this is how I feel. Lost in me, and in the world. It's like I don't have a place inside me..nor do I have a place in this world. I feel like..such an awful person. The more I try to change..the worse it gets. Because I don't know where I'm headed..and sometimes it feels that I'm just headed back. Or maybe going around in circles.

I'm tempted to end this with a joke. I just erased the last line actually. So..I am gonna publish this. Just like this. Unedited. I won't even reread it until the next day. Just for the sake of trying to be not in control all the time. I'll post this..raw.

where was i?

Sometimes we feel superhuman. Sometimes we feel extraordinary, and strong, and confident. Yeah, there are those times. Those times when we feel so sure...so sure that we almost have everything figured out. Until we stop. One full stop. And the feeling goes away. The confidence fade in the background as a familiar confusion takes over. And the "almost everything" we thought we figured out turns out to be absolutely nothing at all.

We find ourselves back to square one.

All it took was one confirmation that i am absolutely headed nowhere. Who knew that that confirmation was simply a once-torn-and-now-fixed-but-still-hurting ACL, a pair of crutches, a LOT of bed rest, and a LOT MORE hours of physical inactivity and mental hyperactivity. That's all the confirmation a girl like me needed to start asking myself again for the nth time.."So, WHERE WAS I AGAIN?"

Sigh. Thank god for mobile blogging.

My Fucked Up ACL

I have an ACL injury. yippee..

How bad it is, i don't know yet. I'm getting an MRI.
I'm shocked, and pissed, and depressed, and sad, and sad, and really depressed and my tears are all dried up. It will be awhile before I get to play football again. Or worse, I might not be able to play football as competitively as before. Aw, fuck..

... I'm not really in the mood to write more about it.
I'm really depressed right now. Really upset.

Intersection (1994)

Starring Richard Gere as Vincent Eastman
Sharon Stone as Sally Eastman and
Lolita Davidovich as Olivia Marshak.

It was showing on HBO when I was finishing my previous post so I was a bit distracted. But I forced myself to divide my attention and watch it because it was one of those Richard Gere films that I haven't watched. And what can I say, Gere's ma baby. :D

Anyway, the movie started at the end, where Richard Gere was about to get into an accident, and the whole plot unfolded through a series of flashbacks. It was very dramatic and all tied up in knots.

Vincent Eastman is in a dilemma choosing between Sally, his wife of already 16 years, and Olivia, a new love interest that he was slowly but surely falling in love with. This is basically the heart of it all, the main point that the story revolves around. It was basically about the decisions we make in life and in love. It doesn't go any deeper than that. Life is short, and sometimes decisions don't have to be as complicated as we make them to be. Sometimes the good decisions are the most irrational ones. And sometimes it doesn't even matter how irrational they may be, what matters is that it's what makes us happy.

It was a struggle for Vincent who to choose. He was married, but he wasn't happy. He was in a conflict. He didn't know how to get out of it. Somewhere in the middle of it, he even wrote a letter to Olivia saying that it wasn't going to work. But he never mailed it.

Towards the end of the movie, Vincent and Olivia gets into a fight where it eventually leads to their break up. He drives around a little bit more, and eventually comes into a profound realization that it really was Olivia that he wanted to be with and spend the rest of his life with. I especially loved that scene when he made a call to Olivia and basically poured out what he really felt and what he should have already told her. He proposed to her and asked her to meet him at this certain place.

The ending is my favorite. The movie held up its one last twist for the end. He then drove out to meet Olivia, driving at around 80-100, and then we go back to where it all began. He got into a car accident. He was rushed into a hospital. And he never made it out...

Sally, being his wife, received his belongings. And among those was the letter that Vincent wrote to Olivia ending their relationship. The last scene was when Olivia and Sally ran into each other outside the hospital. They merely acknowledged each other, and gave their condolences, but neither mentioned the letter that she read, nor the marriage proposal that she got. In the end, Vincent died happy finally able to make the choice that he really wanted, and both women believing that it was her that Vincent chose.

The movie actually received a rather bad review, with Sharon Stone receiving a Razzie Award for Worst Actress. I think the movie deserves a bit more credit than the reviews and critics gave it.

Only Richard Gere could pull off the unfaithful husband bit making both women happy in the end. Haha.

Oh and I was actually surprised to see little Jennifer Morrison in this film as Gere's 13-year old daughter. She still has that fierce look about her when she's in a serious mood which we all see so much of in House M.D. :) And if I'm not mistaken, Intersection is actually her film debut.

Dystopia

The world that we live in is ugly just as it is beautiful. "How can something so beautiful be equally just as ugly?" I find myself asking the world. I find myself asking God. I find myself asking myself.

No one answers.

This is how we are structured to be. We all have our so-called functions in this interplay of things. This is what they tell me..that things are the way they are JUST BECAUSE. We have to accept it--our past, present and future situations are all merely consequences of social patterns and social norms.

We all dream of a utopia. Of course. What else can be expected when we live in such a dystopic society where things, no matter how beautiful, are still evil, harsh and horrid...

There is poverty at every corner. There is starvation under the bridge. There are deaths by the hour. Tears fall with self-pity. Can you just imagine? Do we even dare imagine? There are houses merely standing, nearly tumbling. And the spirits of those who live in them, almost crumbling. Is this the social pattern we have to accept JUST BECAUSE? It this what the social norms call for?

Hopelessness, deprivation, misery,... with all these, you have to ask: where do I stand?

Contrary to the lives we lead, if we are fortunate enough to belong to the upper part of the social hierarchy, are we really spared from it all? We may be lucky enough to be born at a social advantage, or maybe lucky enough to have risen from disadvantage. But are we really spared?

We may not know it, but we thrive at others' disadvantage. This is why we are the advantaged. The gap becomes bigger and bigger, everyone is busy trying to get ahead. Who's bothering to bridge the gap? The rich becomes richer, the poor just becomes poorer... this is our world. And utopia will merely just be the ideal society, and will merely stay an idea.