where was i?

Sometimes we feel superhuman. Sometimes we feel extraordinary, and strong, and confident. Yeah, there are those times. Those times when we feel so sure...so sure that we almost have everything figured out. Until we stop. One full stop. And the feeling goes away. The confidence fade in the background as a familiar confusion takes over. And the "almost everything" we thought we figured out turns out to be absolutely nothing at all.

We find ourselves back to square one.

All it took was one confirmation that i am absolutely headed nowhere. Who knew that that confirmation was simply a once-torn-and-now-fixed-but-still-hurting ACL, a pair of crutches, a LOT of bed rest, and a LOT MORE hours of physical inactivity and mental hyperactivity. That's all the confirmation a girl like me needed to start asking myself again for the nth time.."So, WHERE WAS I AGAIN?"

Sigh. Thank god for mobile blogging.

Dystopia

The world that we live in is ugly just as it is beautiful. "How can something so beautiful be equally just as ugly?" I find myself asking the world. I find myself asking God. I find myself asking myself.

No one answers.

This is how we are structured to be. We all have our so-called functions in this interplay of things. This is what they tell me..that things are the way they are JUST BECAUSE. We have to accept it--our past, present and future situations are all merely consequences of social patterns and social norms.

We all dream of a utopia. Of course. What else can be expected when we live in such a dystopic society where things, no matter how beautiful, are still evil, harsh and horrid...

There is poverty at every corner. There is starvation under the bridge. There are deaths by the hour. Tears fall with self-pity. Can you just imagine? Do we even dare imagine? There are houses merely standing, nearly tumbling. And the spirits of those who live in them, almost crumbling. Is this the social pattern we have to accept JUST BECAUSE? It this what the social norms call for?

Hopelessness, deprivation, misery,... with all these, you have to ask: where do I stand?

Contrary to the lives we lead, if we are fortunate enough to belong to the upper part of the social hierarchy, are we really spared from it all? We may be lucky enough to be born at a social advantage, or maybe lucky enough to have risen from disadvantage. But are we really spared?

We may not know it, but we thrive at others' disadvantage. This is why we are the advantaged. The gap becomes bigger and bigger, everyone is busy trying to get ahead. Who's bothering to bridge the gap? The rich becomes richer, the poor just becomes poorer... this is our world. And utopia will merely just be the ideal society, and will merely stay an idea.

Bad Day Blues

We've all had our bad days. I don't think there's one person in this whole entire world who has not had at least one bad day. In fact, some of us get it real bad.

Some of us get it SO bad, that it's one bad day after another. And before you know it, it's a bad week. And then it's a bad month. And then the end of the year comes, and we just wish that the New Year would be nicer compared to the bad year that we just had.

I was supposed to entitle this entry as "Remedies for a Bad Day" but then I changed my mind. I didn't want to write about remedies...I mean, I clearly don't know anything about effective remedies. After all, I'm still having a bad week...

Soooo...I don't have any sure cure whenever the bad day blues come attacking. I wish there was though...some universal cure that's sure to turn that frown upside down. No such luck really. But I do try. Just recently, I've noticed certain things that I do whenever I'm having my bad day blues (BDB). I gave it some thought and I realized that it's actually a pattern. My BDB habits!

♥ Drink MILK straight out of the box. I feel silly drinking it right out of the box. And feeling silly is good and lightens my mood. And milk is an awesome comfort food/drink! And besides, we could all use some silliness during a bad day..

♥ I clean the house. I rarely do this. But when the thinking gets tough, the tough gets going and scrubs the floors. I find that when I'm cleaning, I think better or in most cases, I'm just too busy cleaning to even think. And if I do think, I'm probably thinking..."Shit. Pagod na ko. Ayoko na magbunot. Shit. Shit. No, I can do this. Shit talaga." So there. Haha!

♥ Waste cigarettes. I noticed that whenever I'm having a bad day, I tend to smoke my stress away. But what I do is I light up a cig, smoke it half way. Put it out. Throw it away. Light up another one. Half way. Throw it away. And again. And again.

♥ Shopping Therapy. Yep, you got it. I do what any other woman would do when things just don't go right. I SHOP. Big shocker. This rarely fails to cheer me up even for just a while.

♥ I Bake. (Not bakes, okay. Haha.) Anyone who knows me well would know that I only bake when I'm depressed, having a bad day, OR really really really happy (which is rare).

♥ Comfort Undies. I have these cute panty shorts that have bunnies and other weird cartoon animals printed on them. They look silly. And like I said, silly is good. Others have comfort food, I have comfort undies. :p

♥ Peanut butter and Nutella. I noticed that on a normal day, I won't dare make myself a peanut butter and hazelnut spread sandwich. It's so darn unhealthy. But of course, we all have that comfort food we turn to. :D

♥ FOOTBALL. ♥♥♥ There is no better way to relieve stress than be on the field and just release all your stress into that damn ball. Seriously. But I'm real scary on the field when I'm having a bad day..I play extra aggressive. Sports is a great excuse to hurt somebody. :D

♥ Get a futon, sleep in the garden. The intention is to just stay in the garden and lie down. But I end up sleeping.. Staying in a peaceful place helps sometimes.

Hmm. There are so much more like sending text messages to myself, re-arranging my room, drink, put make up on, read in the dark wit a flashlight, comb my hair for an hour, write on my mirror, and yeah..stuff like that. But I find that the basic ones we need to remember to get us through our bad days are these:

♥ FRIENDS. Or even just one. Be with your friends or people your normally enjoy doing nothing with. You don't have to talk. Just tell them you need company. The good ones will talk you through your bad day. But the great ones will walk you through it without even uttering a word. :)

♥ Talk if you need to Talk. If you need to let it out, let it out! Whatever it is that's bothering you, no matter how shallow, voice it out. Complain and whine about it to a friend who's patient enough to listen to you over and over and not get pissed because you won't shut up.

♥ Don't be idle. Find something to do. Even if you're too lazy and bummed out to move..just occupy yourself with something. If you don't want company, then..try counting your hair strands. Or just sleep through it. Being idle gets your mind restless and eventually works you up even more.

♥ Do silly things. Lighten up. It's okay to be a bit retarded and do something silly and stupid like face paint. Or play dress up and be a stripper...or alice in wonderland (if you want it wholesome :p).

LASTLY, and most importantly..
♥ Don't beat yourself up about it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was suppose to post this September 9. But I forgot to post it.. so yeah.
But today's kind of the appropriate day to post it since I'm having a really BAD DAY.

Lemme reply :]]

you people love secrets and mysteries dont you :))

well, to the one who asked, "Are you on drugs? Is that why you need to quit?"
NO I AM NOT ON DRUGS. Funny shit. Lol. I'm clean people. I've got enough highs to keep me flyy. I don't need drugs for that. Haha.

okay, second..why post about if i'm not going to share at all?
Well..because I need to organize my thoughts. And writing is the best way I can do that. It's more like..venting out and less on the sharing side. Uhh..and..yeah. Lol. But seriously? I think I have the right to my privacy and be discreet. :p

and to those who reacted.."what the fuck?!" "bitin ka!" "you're weird."
Weeeeellll....what can i say? Haha. Sorry. That's all I can say.


So i'll try not to post anything more about "that subject" and this will be the last of it. And I'd like to end it with two words. I've made my decision..and I hope it sticks.

I QUIT! :p

i'm strung out on..who? <3

Oooh.. i just realized that Closer was not the perfect song. LOL. Turns out it's another Ne-Yo song... Because of You is the more appropriate song. Haha!

Want to, but I can’t help it
I love the way it feels,
It’s got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real
I need it when I want it, I want it when I don’t
Tell myself I’ll stop everyday, knowin’ that I won't

I rode home with Janna today.. we were talking about my stuff and shit like that. I mean, these small talks are so repetitive and i've been telling her and complaining to her over and over and over. I love it that she doesn't mind. :p So I told her, somethin like this

Trish: Buti na lang I'm single...
Janna: Yeah kasi if not kawawa boyfriend mo.
Trish: No. I'm not like that if may commitment.
Janna: Yeah but it's not yet the right time. It's fun to be single.
(both of us pause)
Both: Yeahh...

Funny. But seriously, I won't be posting about this on a..uh, regular day. But I sort of need to organize my thoughts. I'm feeling all twisty mentally and maybe even a bit emotionally. But on the emotional note, it's nothing too serious. Just a couple of thoughts i'm playing with. A couple of possibilities i'm juggling around.

Oh dilemma. I need it when I want it, I want it when I don't. There's not a lot of choices there, huh? :p I'm tellin myself to stop, just like I did a couple of weeks ago, or months. But I know that's never gonna happen.

I got a problem an' I (don’t know what to do about it)
Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit but I doubt it.
I’m Taken by the thought of it

When to quit? That's the problem. Most often, we gotta know when to pull back. We gotta know when enough is enough. In history, a lot of men, great and un-great, went down because they didn't know when it was time to turn around and quit. Or even if they knew it, they didn't do it anyway.

Ah.. ambition IS fatal. enemy to success. haha. But without the ambition in the first place, where would the drive be? Check me out, i'm on overdrive. Oh dear..INSATIABILITY is what i'm feeling.

Think of it ev'ry second
I can't get nothin' done
Only concern is the next time... I’m gonna get me some
'Know I should stay away from, 'cause it's no good for me
I try an' try but my obsession... won't let me leave

I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I'm prolly not making sense to anyone who reads this. Only Iris and Janna know what the shit is going on with me right now. I'm not making a big deal. It's not so much a problem as people might be thinking it is. It's actually very amusing. The situation's very light and humorous. And one day, imma be lookin back and imma remember and imma be like, good times good times eh. Hahaha!

Oh aside from Iris and Janna, another guy also knows. Haha. He doesn't know a lot of details though, but he knows the story in general. He doesn't know the specifics..like the names, the history, the places, the events, whatever. But needless, it was funny when I told him and he gave me his advice. He told me to not take anything less than what I deserve. It was helluh funny. Can't put the whole thing here, it's a dead giveaway. But i looooove it! Haha.

And I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction
I’m so strung out on you
I can barely move

There's the addiction, yes. But oh..i'm so strung out on who. :p

Just a note, to anyone who's a someone...don't get worried okay. And no violent reactions. I know it sounds a bit, umm..like a real dilemma. But if I get my head straight and together and all that, there's no dilemma. Just a lot of thoughts and possibilities that I'm toying around with. :) And i just can't help but think about em. Since they're so damn possible! Haha. :D

spoiled. :/

i normally don't sound like this. so forgive forgive, if i sound like a spoiled unfeeling bitch. :-/ so shallow, too.


you know how they say you can't always get what you want? well, yeah. i've heard it.


but the thing is. when it comes to some things..SOME things, in particular..i always get what i want. even if i don't get it WHEN i want it. but rest assured, i HAVE to get it. it's a high. we all have our highs..this is one of mine.


i don't know when to pull away, or when to say no. ah, but don't we all? i don't know when the game's done..coz for me it ain't done, till i win. sigh. HAAAY!!


that's why i'm always in a dilemma when 'situation' comes. it drives me insane. i hate it. i don't go looking for these things to just happen to me, you know? but it doesn't change a thing now does it? i still end up finding myself in these situations. it still happens. and then, obssession..


like hell, it is.
i can't not have it..


kinda like do or die.
tough luck.

I WANT IT JUST BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN.

aw, i hate this feeling talaga.
i wish i could get down and specific to the details so i won't be rambling about some mambo jambo..but sorry folks, even a little info is already too much info. lols.

i have this thing with winning. it can't be helped. :) but haven't you ever had that feeling that you know you can have something, but there's just a teensy-bitsy bit of detail standing in your way. and from your point of view, it's not even that important at all. but nevertheless, we are given the choice to respect it and walk away. or just go for the gold anyway.


and maybe when i say go for the gold, i don't have any intention of keeping "it". maybe just spend a few days, enjoy and play with it. it has nothing at all to do with who owns it, just a matter of being able to have it coz you can..not coz you want it.


after all, that's the only reason you want it anyway, because you can. and when you're done with it, the shine and shimmer that seemed to attract you to it in the first place, is just a thing of the past...

(i'm adding this next part 7 hours after i originally posted this:)
i can't get any into any more detail.. you folks might find out what i'm talking about. lol. or WHO. :p curious friends, you will never know. LOL. someone's already asking me who. sorry, babe.

here's a song.. fits just right. (turn the music off at the right hand side of the page if ur gonna play this vid.)

Closer - Ne-Yo

this week. hangover week. <3

well, it's a saturday today. my head hurts.
let's a have a look-see what happened to me this week..

since my classes in dlsu are only from mondays to thursdays, you can imagine it going by pretty fast. oh but SIGH ..sometimes it doesn't seem to be fast enough. Just like any other teenager, one can't wait for the weekend to come fast enough. And for me, my weekend starts at thursday night. yea-yuhhh. hehe.

Oh dear, but this week. Since the flyyy july party last saturday... I drank sunday night. monday night. and then tuesday night. Hence going to school half-tipsy and uber hungover on a monday morning, a tuesday morning and a wednesday morning. Oh dearrrr.. talk about getting all crunked up.

I could try explaining why i've been drinking so much. And eating so much. And bumming so much. And later on I realized, gaining weight so much. But please, I'd rather not. Not because I don't need to explain myself, but because I don't have any explanation at all. Haha. I've been a little lost lately. And that's entirely another story. :)

tomorrow's another week. so when i sleep tonight..and wake up to a sunday. SIGHHH.
i hate waking up to sundays. and mondays.

The Afterlife: The Life After Life.

Why do people obsess so much about the after life? We call them suicidal. But why do they become suicidal? Is it just so much about ending their miserable lives, or is there something more? They're not so different from us, nor are we from them. We are all looking for answers. And we do stupid things in hopes of getting them.

There was a time, I sort of used to be suicidal. Or so they say. But how i felt then was that it wasn't really about ending life. It was merely the thought of ending it that seemed so attractive. There's that concept; it was that idiotic thought that you'd eventually end up somewhere where it doesn't hurt, where you're no longer in pain, where you're not miserable, where you are finally at peace. Even for just a moment.

And then there is also that clarity thing going on as you bleed out and then you feel stupid. And you just sort of know there's no such place. It doesn't get any clearer than that. All of a sudden, our technicolor worlds become oversimplified. And for a moment there is silence and utter simplicity, where there are no grey areas. Just plain black and white.

The solutions to all our problem become so simple. And you feel like you can do anything. And you just sort of know what's right and what isn't. What we thought to be so complicated, in truth, really isn't. But then the feeling goes away. That feeling of godliness the you could conquer all...as good as it feels, it goes away. And then we're back to our technicolored world, where everything is complex and nothing can be simplified, much less oversimplified.

So this human obsession about the life after life, it's not really about dying. We take away moments from this life to experience a good 90 seconds in the one after it. And in those moments, they literally take our breaths away.They literally make our hearts stop. And in the irony of it all, we understand completely what it's like to live and what it's like to love. And those are best 90 seconds of our lives.

Pissed.

So, I've been thinking about nothing for the past few days except this one thing that's been tugging at me since...since I've started thinking about it. Okay, that's not entirely true. Knowing me, I can't exactly be just thinking of one thing. But for the sake of emphasis, let's stick to that.

FRESHMEN ELECTIONS.


I've recently joined one of the two socio-political parties. TAPAT. (i'll post more about it later on.) So i have decided that I am going to run for Batch Representative for the upcoming Freshmen Elections. But there's a little something getting in my way, my parents. Okay, maybe it's not just a little something.

They don't want me to run.

So there are two obvious solutions to that problem. Either of which I'm not so ecstatic about.
First: I could simply be a GOOD DAUGHTER and NOT RUN. Or..
Second: I could simply be ME and JUST RUN.

And knowing my parents, and the way they know me. I think they'd be expecting that I might just do the second choice. And while I am almost all for it, I'd like to think that I'm done with that sneaking behind their back schemes.

Sure, there's that third option I could negotiate and re-negotiate until they eventually give up, resign and realize that there's no winning that debate...But here's the thing, there's something else.

I have to go to trainings and sessions for TAPAT, which I have no problem. But they obviously do. It starts late, and finishes even later. And they just hate the fact that I actually have to go home late, with no means of going home. It's like a replay of highschool when I was SC President. But only this time, it's farther.

No means of going home. That is of course only true by their definition that they can't pick me up. Of course I'm not expecting them to pick me up. That would be absurd and insensitive. They have work and they'd get tired and I am just simply not about to put them through that.

So my solution? Well, i could always find someone who lives somewhere near me and ride home with them. There are a number of people I could hitch with. Or there are those buses that conveniently pass right in front of La Salle! It's a one-way ride home. OR as my last option, I could go home to Gastambide, my other house, which is way nearer to school. Although i'd still commute, but nevertheless it would be nearer.

And of course, as stubborn as they are...those aren't even options. So like I said, by their definition, I don't have any means of going home. You can imagine how I feel about this whole situation. Bullshit.

I get the fact that they think I won't be able to prioritize once again. It would be a replay of last year. I don't know how to balance my priorities. I'd prioritize council again. I'd forget my studies. I won't get to be Dean's Lister just like I wasn't able to get valedictorian or whatever. It's the same old reasons. I understand how they're thinking of my safety, that's why they won't just let me ride with anyone else and especially commute. I get all of it.

This is really pissing me off. I know I might be getting ahead of myself, I mean it's not even sure that I'll pass the convention and get to represent and run for TAPAT. And even if I do, it's not even sure that I'll win the elections. But that's not the point.

I get the goals that they're setting for me and that they want me to set those goals for myself. I get that they want me to be a consistent DL and that they want me to graduate cum laude or whatever. They don't want me to look back and regret that I didn't work hard enough for those goals because I decided to split my focus on other priorities. But this isn't just about getting high grades.

They say they don't pay for my tuition so I could run for council and eventually end up as council president. They do it so I could get good grades. I can't even begin to tell them how totally authoritarian that sounds. And even more importantly how very single-minded it is.

My belief is that we go and attend universities to be more capable human beings. And while getting good grades is part of it, it doesn't end there. In fact, it's just a small part of an even bigger picture.

I attended a recent session by TAPAT and we were given a talk. And I especially liked this one bit where the speaker said something like despite all the awards and achievements you'll receive, it's different to graduate with the awards than graduating with a whole community by your name. And that the latter bears more meaning with it.

It's different. Being a leader, being a torch-bearer and at the same time serving a community...that's where my passion lies. There were times that I thought I couldn't bear the responsibility anymore and that the burden seemed to be too much for one person to bear. Sure, the climb was hard, but getting to the top was a feeling like no other. It's what makes me happy. It gives me a sense of fulfillment like no other. Working hard at a job and committing to it, it's like a high to me. It's almost euphoric.

It makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger. And what's so great about it is that I really am part of something bigger than me. It's more than just being under a constant leadership training, but more importantly it humbles me.

How I feel is that this is what makes me...ME. This is my calling and there's no other way to explain it. All our lives, people search for life, for it's meaning, for something that makes them feel worth it. It's that high we're looking for. And this is mine.

I can't ever imagine just studying and feeling like any other ordinary student. And that's what they expect me to be, or at least for this freshman year. I don't know. But even if it's just for a year, I can't be that kind of person just being a regular bum. I need to be part of something. I need to work on something. They might contest that excelling as a student is not being an ordinary student, but the way I see it: you're just an ordinary student with good grades. And it ends there. It's superficial. Knowledge is not just about getting good grades, it's how well you learn and apply it to your life.

So you know..fuck it. Sigh.

This "Existing" Thing

I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS THE NIGHTMARE--THE ONE I'M WAKING UP FROM, OR THE ONE I'M WAKING UP TO...
(sigh)

No, there's no drama going on here. No EMO factor. Just plain words. Just plain thoughts. Straight right out of my head. It's all me. JUST ME.

I don't really know about the others. But I've always had this "just existing, not living" sort of thing. It's not a day-to-day dilemma. But it's just this feeling that comes every once in awhile. When I sit back, and sigh. And I look at the world, as if through a kaleidoscope. It's like a continuum of shapes and patterns and colors... And I can't find reason for the shapes, and the patterns, and the colors.

It just feels like existence is so...FUTILE.

Something is lacking. Something is not right. Maybe something is just out of place. Either way, there's something wrong.

Make no mistake. There IS something wrong...if one can't find meaning for living.

No, it's not about dying. Or wanting to die. It's about wanting to live but not finding enough reason to want it. It's just it. Existence, and the futility of it.

but just like any other feeling... it passes.
i'm sure. i mean, it has to..

:-/

Loneliness should be a feeling, not your day-to-day companion.


We wake up everyday, trying to make sense of the world. Scientists try to make sense of..uh, science. Parents try to make sense of their growing teenagers. Teenagers trying to make sense of growing up (others of sex). Pre-adolescents trying to make sense of puberty. Old couples trying to make sense of marriage, and maybe even of divorce. Students making sense of their homeworks. Widows making sense of death. Dying patients making sense of life. Basically, people just trying to get by making sense of the world, their world, this world.


Since childhood, loneliess has been my feeling & my companion. It goes away, just like most feelings do. And then steps in to be my companion, when companions go away, just like most do.


Are we lonely because people left us alone? Or maybe because we choose to be alone?


There are a lot of sides to loneliness. But there are at least two that we should be aware of. I've given it a lot of thought. Nobody really wants to be alone. Because just the fact that we think we are lonely, that we feel lonely, that we simply acknowledge that the word lonely applies to us...means that we are. We are lonely because something is missing. Maybe because something we've grown used to is no longer there, we are missing something. Or maybe it's because we're lacking something. We're lonely because we're searching for this thing that we're lacking.


No, we really can't say that we choose to be alone because we want to. Nobody does. There's a significant amount of different to solitude and isolation.


Solitude is our "me-time", a time that we are alone with ourselves and our thoughts. But not necessarily lonely with ourselves and our thoughts. It could be enlightening and even empowering. They're different, okay? Even though if you check the dictionary, they're synonymous to each other. (LOL.)


So, we isolate ourselves. We choose to be alone. Isolation. Not solitude. Definitely.. There is no solitude in isolation. But why do we choose to be lonely? Maybe because over the years we've reached out to people, and we didn't get the response we wanted. Or maybe we didn't get any response at all. Maybe because we've been hurt so much. That's an ironic thought. Loneliness is a product of pain, while in itself it causes pain as well.


It becomes our defense mechanism. We build a wall around ourselves, keep our shields up. "Never mind that we are lonely, just as long as we don't get hurt." Take a little pain, to avoid more pain. There it is. That's the thought that keeps us going. It's our fortress, our shield. But i'm sure we've all heard it from somewhere... that wall you've built around you is not keeping other people out, it's keeping you in.


I've been there. And maybe to a certain degree, I still am. I used to say that maybe this is what i'm meant to be. Isolated. Numb as the heart bleeds empty. It all started out with being lonely. And I got so used to it that I eventually forgot that I was lonely. Lonely is me. There was no use in labelling it, because as far as I was concerned. Where there is "Trish", there was lonely. There was this one quote that had this line..The last letters of lonesome is "ME". Yeah, that had me written all over it.


I'm no expert. But I do know one thing. Actually, a lot of things. at that. I know that our God is a good god. I know that we shouldn't have to be spending most of our time figuring things out. But instead just trust in Him that he will make it good for us. He will make good out of the certain things that happened.


And if that...sadly, doesn't work for people. I also know this to be true. I know it's better to cry. I know it's better to miss some things. I know it's better to feel. It's good to know that we have tears to shed, and that we have things to miss. Because through this we acknowledge that there is something better. We know that there is something beautiful, that there is good. We are lonely because of the better things we clamor for. And that's better than not knowing if there is good left in this world.


Even if it's painful, I know it's better to have someone. It always is.

Oh no. Moodswing.

Sigh. Oh no. Here we go again..

One thing about me? I have the nastiest moodswings.

Well, no. It's not that nasty.. I don't go around throwing a bitch fit at everyone I see. Just that, i get moodswings for no reason at all. Or maybe there's a reason, but it's a reason that I fail to see. I mean, out of nowhere, i'm all smiles. And then I sit on a couch. And after that, i'm either pissed at the world or sighing out of total depression. No fake moodswings. No fake frowns. Or fake sighs. I kid you not. TOTAL MOOD SWING.

Oh jeez.

I don't know. Let me describe how I feel:

I feel like i absolutely have no purpose for being here. I have weird thoughts. And if I get weird moods.. Well, let's just say that WEIRD THOUGHTS + WEIRD MOOD = DEFINITELY NOT GOOD. I just want some quiet time. I need some alone time. I need to think things through. And so I think.

And I think... But I am thinking about nothing! It's being bothered by this nothingness that sooo haunts me. I'm not being emo. This is me. On a daily basis. This is a daily routine that I've been meaning to get rid of. But there has got to be a reason for these stupid mood swings to be ruining a completely good day.

So yeah. There's this certain nothingness bothering me. Maybe cause i'm doing nothing. Or maybe cause i'm thinking nothing. And my subconscious is just so inclined on doing and thinking something... I end up getting frustrated about this nothing, trying to turn it into a something, and still ending up with nothing! Oh deary, that doesn't even make sense. It's like I'm trying to rationalize something so petty as this.

Petty. Yeah, that's what this definitely is. But like I said, I go through this on a daily basis. Sometimes in a middle of a friendly chit-chat, sometimes in the middle of a class, sometimes in the middle of the street, sometimes in the middle of a good meal... I've thought about it. What triggers it. Nada. No answer. Again, nothingness.

Moodswing. Sigh. Oh no. Moodswing..