Just like this.
Here I am again. Back.
So what is going on with me? A lot, and at the same time nothing at all.
I feel really low. Really bad. I wish I could start writing about happy stuff, you know? Write about happy things. And happy thoughts. But what I've discovered lately is that this is all writing is to me. This is how important and at the same time, equally unimportant it is. I write when I'm in pain. Every writer has their own source of inspiration. Great works derived from even greater emotions. And this is mine. Sad to say..but it is. The greater emotion is always a non-happy emotion. And so until a time comes where it is not, this is where all my words will be coming from. Out of that stupid dull ache in my chest.
You know that cliche where they say the past always comes back to haunt you? Well, that's the annoying part about cliches. They are so true. So full of truth. Annoyingly, that is. But what the shit, that's why they're called cliches. Because people are so damn tired of them, and yet they can't help but nod at them.
Well, there's no blast from the past going on with me. No ex-boyfriends knocking down my door threatening me. But it's more like, ME haunting ME. Sometimes I don't know how to live with myself anymore. Well, that's a tad bit exaggerated. But sometimes, I feel awful being me. In some aspects that is. The thing is, no matter how good I am at something..it's just not enough. I can't feel good about the things I have accomplished. And I realize that this is the reason why I keep on looking for things. Certain things. Whatever things, you know? Just to keep myself preoccupied probably. I'm trying to fulfill a part of me that is not in need of fulfillment. It's like the freaking body system. No matter how healthy all your other systems are, if one fails..it affects everything.
I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS. I refuse to. I remember the random times I had breakdowns during the last two years, or three. Or maybe four, I'm not sure. I haven't had those in a long time. That scares me. It's like..there's a feeling of impending doom. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of having one..but I don't know. I don't know what to say either. I jutst don't want those awful breakdowns that nobody knows about but me. I can't say I'm not happy anymore. But more like, I'm not happy..STILL.
I don't know if I want to post this online. I value openness as much as I value privacy. I don't want to let people know how I feel. Coz I'm sure as hell that it doesn't show. Maybe there are times that I slip..but no one's there to notice. So i'm still good. But I do want to post this. Some sort of absurd hope that maybe pouring my heart out to my blog will help...since I can't do it to anyone anyway. And even if I do try to blurt it out to someone...i will lose my words. i will lose my thoughts. i will lose my guts. I'll end up making a joke about it.
I don't always have to be in control. I know that. I hate that I know that because I don't want to know it. This is the story of my life. Always saying "I'm STILL not happy." I can't be like this.. They say try and try until you succeed. Another one of those sucker motivational quotes. Well, I have been trying to be happy. I have tried to not focus on being NOT happy. I even stopped thinking that I was trying to be happy. I did. I let go. And still..no. Something is missing. Or something is misplaced, maybe. I don't know. Apparently..I have been saying I don't know.
Well, whatever is broken in my system...it's starting to affect my other healthy systems. Coming home everyday and lying in my bed, thanking the world the day is over. And then cursing it the next minute because I know another day awaits. This is no way to live. I wanna wake up everyday looking forward to something. Or be hopeful for something. Or be excited. Not dragging my feet to bathroom at the start of the day wishing for it to end. It's like I'm counting my days. It sucks not knowing how to feel good about yourself even if there are things to feel good about. Realizing that I have so much more than others..it should be enough.
The more I think about it..the more I realize things. And one of them is that...I don't like who I am. I don't like it at all.. I don't like the things that I have done. I don't like the thoughts in my head. I don't like not knowing what I will be the next day and the day after that. I don't think I like who I'm becoming either. And if by chance I do want to change that...then I don't know who the heck I want to be or how I want to be. Lost..this is how I feel. Lost in me, and in the world. It's like I don't have a place inside me..nor do I have a place in this world. I feel like..such an awful person. The more I try to change..the worse it gets. Because I don't know where I'm headed..and sometimes it feels that I'm just headed back. Or maybe going around in circles.
I'm tempted to end this with a joke. I just erased the last line actually. So..I am gonna publish this. Just like this. Unedited. I won't even reread it until the next day. Just for the sake of trying to be not in control all the time. I'll post this..raw.
So what is going on with me? A lot, and at the same time nothing at all.
I feel really low. Really bad. I wish I could start writing about happy stuff, you know? Write about happy things. And happy thoughts. But what I've discovered lately is that this is all writing is to me. This is how important and at the same time, equally unimportant it is. I write when I'm in pain. Every writer has their own source of inspiration. Great works derived from even greater emotions. And this is mine. Sad to say..but it is. The greater emotion is always a non-happy emotion. And so until a time comes where it is not, this is where all my words will be coming from. Out of that stupid dull ache in my chest.
You know that cliche where they say the past always comes back to haunt you? Well, that's the annoying part about cliches. They are so true. So full of truth. Annoyingly, that is. But what the shit, that's why they're called cliches. Because people are so damn tired of them, and yet they can't help but nod at them.
Well, there's no blast from the past going on with me. No ex-boyfriends knocking down my door threatening me. But it's more like, ME haunting ME. Sometimes I don't know how to live with myself anymore. Well, that's a tad bit exaggerated. But sometimes, I feel awful being me. In some aspects that is. The thing is, no matter how good I am at something..it's just not enough. I can't feel good about the things I have accomplished. And I realize that this is the reason why I keep on looking for things. Certain things. Whatever things, you know? Just to keep myself preoccupied probably. I'm trying to fulfill a part of me that is not in need of fulfillment. It's like the freaking body system. No matter how healthy all your other systems are, if one fails..it affects everything.
I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS. I refuse to. I remember the random times I had breakdowns during the last two years, or three. Or maybe four, I'm not sure. I haven't had those in a long time. That scares me. It's like..there's a feeling of impending doom. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of having one..but I don't know. I don't know what to say either. I jutst don't want those awful breakdowns that nobody knows about but me. I can't say I'm not happy anymore. But more like, I'm not happy..STILL.
I don't know if I want to post this online. I value openness as much as I value privacy. I don't want to let people know how I feel. Coz I'm sure as hell that it doesn't show. Maybe there are times that I slip..but no one's there to notice. So i'm still good. But I do want to post this. Some sort of absurd hope that maybe pouring my heart out to my blog will help...since I can't do it to anyone anyway. And even if I do try to blurt it out to someone...i will lose my words. i will lose my thoughts. i will lose my guts. I'll end up making a joke about it.
I don't always have to be in control. I know that. I hate that I know that because I don't want to know it. This is the story of my life. Always saying "I'm STILL not happy." I can't be like this.. They say try and try until you succeed. Another one of those sucker motivational quotes. Well, I have been trying to be happy. I have tried to not focus on being NOT happy. I even stopped thinking that I was trying to be happy. I did. I let go. And still..no. Something is missing. Or something is misplaced, maybe. I don't know. Apparently..I have been saying I don't know.
Well, whatever is broken in my system...it's starting to affect my other healthy systems. Coming home everyday and lying in my bed, thanking the world the day is over. And then cursing it the next minute because I know another day awaits. This is no way to live. I wanna wake up everyday looking forward to something. Or be hopeful for something. Or be excited. Not dragging my feet to bathroom at the start of the day wishing for it to end. It's like I'm counting my days. It sucks not knowing how to feel good about yourself even if there are things to feel good about. Realizing that I have so much more than others..it should be enough.
The more I think about it..the more I realize things. And one of them is that...I don't like who I am. I don't like it at all.. I don't like the things that I have done. I don't like the thoughts in my head. I don't like not knowing what I will be the next day and the day after that. I don't think I like who I'm becoming either. And if by chance I do want to change that...then I don't know who the heck I want to be or how I want to be. Lost..this is how I feel. Lost in me, and in the world. It's like I don't have a place inside me..nor do I have a place in this world. I feel like..such an awful person. The more I try to change..the worse it gets. Because I don't know where I'm headed..and sometimes it feels that I'm just headed back. Or maybe going around in circles.
I'm tempted to end this with a joke. I just erased the last line actually. So..I am gonna publish this. Just like this. Unedited. I won't even reread it until the next day. Just for the sake of trying to be not in control all the time. I'll post this..raw.
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