This "Existing" Thing

I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS THE NIGHTMARE--THE ONE I'M WAKING UP FROM, OR THE ONE I'M WAKING UP TO...
(sigh)

No, there's no drama going on here. No EMO factor. Just plain words. Just plain thoughts. Straight right out of my head. It's all me. JUST ME.

I don't really know about the others. But I've always had this "just existing, not living" sort of thing. It's not a day-to-day dilemma. But it's just this feeling that comes every once in awhile. When I sit back, and sigh. And I look at the world, as if through a kaleidoscope. It's like a continuum of shapes and patterns and colors... And I can't find reason for the shapes, and the patterns, and the colors.

It just feels like existence is so...FUTILE.

Something is lacking. Something is not right. Maybe something is just out of place. Either way, there's something wrong.

Make no mistake. There IS something wrong...if one can't find meaning for living.

No, it's not about dying. Or wanting to die. It's about wanting to live but not finding enough reason to want it. It's just it. Existence, and the futility of it.

but just like any other feeling... it passes.
i'm sure. i mean, it has to..

Trish Thinks About College (oh boy..)

MARCH 04, 2008, TUESDAY, 11:18 PM

Okay. So here I am EIGHT freaking days towards the end of the official school year.
Yeah, towards the end. It is the end all right. No, I won't go into my whims of leaving high school. Because if I don't pick a college soon, I might as well stay in high school. (Ah, and not to mention because I'm not yet done with my thesis, which is by the way a pre-requisite for graduating.) Haha. Silly silly.

Oh dear.

I hate regretting slacking off. But I did anyway. Who the hell gets lazy to fix their requirements for college applications? Well, apparently I DO. Congratulations to me. Ah, but I do have two great choices for universities.

ATENEO DE MANILA UNIVERSITY
or
DE LA SALLE UNIVERSITY

It's not much of a choice really. LOL. I'm a Green Archer at heart. Oh but ADMU has a better campus. I mean, the atmosphere and the feel of the campus.. is so, uh, campus-like. Haha. But nevertheless, DLSU has outstanding facilities. But here's the thing. DLSU is a good school. But it's a better known school for business and such. While ADMU, on the other hand, is best known for it's pre-law courses and such. And pre-law courses are my top choices.


I mean, somewhere in the field of law slash politics, that's where I can see myself in the near future. Or maybe working in a magazine as a writer. But I'd rather do that part time. Ah, but enough about my dreams and aspirations. How can I even begin pursuing them, I don't have a college!!


I can't believe I didn't take the DLSU entrance exam. Oh, which leads us to my next dilemma. LOL! Since I only took the Ateneo College Entrance Exam, that's the only school I'm actually able to enroll to. But I have this special schedule for the La Salle Exam, but...uh, I haven't quite taken care of the paperwork I need to fully secure that slot. I have it reserved for me, but it's been a while since they asked me to submit some papers that I haven't submitted. And the test is on April 16. And..Oh dear. I don't knooow. Haha.


I don't really want to go to Ateneo. But I'm not exactly dying to get into La Salle either. As of the moment, i'm just helluh excited to be getting out of highschool. But, yeah..this is my dilemma. LoL. I kinda envisioned myself to be studying abroad for college. But that's a whole new story about me being lazy again. Oh jeez.



Oh sheeeeesh. This sloth syndrome has got to stop. I swear. Haha.

Happy Tree Friends :)

Movie or show ratings--G, PG13, PG18, R18, etc.
Ah.. but have you ever heard of CV? Lols. It stands for Cartoon Violence.

From Mondo Media comes a brilliant but twisted cartoon show. It's definitely not made for small kids or big babies. Lol. It's amusing and cute..and barbaric and morbid. LOL. If you've never heard of Happy Tree Friends... maaaahn, where have you been all your life? Haha. If you like South Park for the reason that Kenny keeps on dying, I recommend you watch HTF. Haha.

I remember how I used to watch an episode of this at least once a day. It was part of my daily routine. Enjoy a short HTF episode. They usually last for only a few minutes...for a reason. Haha. Cute cuddly things... :))

You can check out their website and meet the cast that never dies, haha. They have all the episodes there. And it loads fast anyway. It's faster to access it there than watch it on YouTube.
Click this Link--> Happy Tree Friends Website

Here's one, but it's from YouTube so try letting it load completely first. This episode's called "Eye Candy" LMAO. But I kid you not, this one is sick. Haha :)) Enjoy!~

boring day

today's just another day. zzzz...

shit, i have school again tomorrow. sigh.

xoxo Trish xoxo

:-/

Loneliness should be a feeling, not your day-to-day companion.


We wake up everyday, trying to make sense of the world. Scientists try to make sense of..uh, science. Parents try to make sense of their growing teenagers. Teenagers trying to make sense of growing up (others of sex). Pre-adolescents trying to make sense of puberty. Old couples trying to make sense of marriage, and maybe even of divorce. Students making sense of their homeworks. Widows making sense of death. Dying patients making sense of life. Basically, people just trying to get by making sense of the world, their world, this world.


Since childhood, loneliess has been my feeling & my companion. It goes away, just like most feelings do. And then steps in to be my companion, when companions go away, just like most do.


Are we lonely because people left us alone? Or maybe because we choose to be alone?


There are a lot of sides to loneliness. But there are at least two that we should be aware of. I've given it a lot of thought. Nobody really wants to be alone. Because just the fact that we think we are lonely, that we feel lonely, that we simply acknowledge that the word lonely applies to us...means that we are. We are lonely because something is missing. Maybe because something we've grown used to is no longer there, we are missing something. Or maybe it's because we're lacking something. We're lonely because we're searching for this thing that we're lacking.


No, we really can't say that we choose to be alone because we want to. Nobody does. There's a significant amount of different to solitude and isolation.


Solitude is our "me-time", a time that we are alone with ourselves and our thoughts. But not necessarily lonely with ourselves and our thoughts. It could be enlightening and even empowering. They're different, okay? Even though if you check the dictionary, they're synonymous to each other. (LOL.)


So, we isolate ourselves. We choose to be alone. Isolation. Not solitude. Definitely.. There is no solitude in isolation. But why do we choose to be lonely? Maybe because over the years we've reached out to people, and we didn't get the response we wanted. Or maybe we didn't get any response at all. Maybe because we've been hurt so much. That's an ironic thought. Loneliness is a product of pain, while in itself it causes pain as well.


It becomes our defense mechanism. We build a wall around ourselves, keep our shields up. "Never mind that we are lonely, just as long as we don't get hurt." Take a little pain, to avoid more pain. There it is. That's the thought that keeps us going. It's our fortress, our shield. But i'm sure we've all heard it from somewhere... that wall you've built around you is not keeping other people out, it's keeping you in.


I've been there. And maybe to a certain degree, I still am. I used to say that maybe this is what i'm meant to be. Isolated. Numb as the heart bleeds empty. It all started out with being lonely. And I got so used to it that I eventually forgot that I was lonely. Lonely is me. There was no use in labelling it, because as far as I was concerned. Where there is "Trish", there was lonely. There was this one quote that had this line..The last letters of lonesome is "ME". Yeah, that had me written all over it.


I'm no expert. But I do know one thing. Actually, a lot of things. at that. I know that our God is a good god. I know that we shouldn't have to be spending most of our time figuring things out. But instead just trust in Him that he will make it good for us. He will make good out of the certain things that happened.


And if that...sadly, doesn't work for people. I also know this to be true. I know it's better to cry. I know it's better to miss some things. I know it's better to feel. It's good to know that we have tears to shed, and that we have things to miss. Because through this we acknowledge that there is something better. We know that there is something beautiful, that there is good. We are lonely because of the better things we clamor for. And that's better than not knowing if there is good left in this world.


Even if it's painful, I know it's better to have someone. It always is.

Oh no. Moodswing.

Sigh. Oh no. Here we go again..

One thing about me? I have the nastiest moodswings.

Well, no. It's not that nasty.. I don't go around throwing a bitch fit at everyone I see. Just that, i get moodswings for no reason at all. Or maybe there's a reason, but it's a reason that I fail to see. I mean, out of nowhere, i'm all smiles. And then I sit on a couch. And after that, i'm either pissed at the world or sighing out of total depression. No fake moodswings. No fake frowns. Or fake sighs. I kid you not. TOTAL MOOD SWING.

Oh jeez.

I don't know. Let me describe how I feel:

I feel like i absolutely have no purpose for being here. I have weird thoughts. And if I get weird moods.. Well, let's just say that WEIRD THOUGHTS + WEIRD MOOD = DEFINITELY NOT GOOD. I just want some quiet time. I need some alone time. I need to think things through. And so I think.

And I think... But I am thinking about nothing! It's being bothered by this nothingness that sooo haunts me. I'm not being emo. This is me. On a daily basis. This is a daily routine that I've been meaning to get rid of. But there has got to be a reason for these stupid mood swings to be ruining a completely good day.

So yeah. There's this certain nothingness bothering me. Maybe cause i'm doing nothing. Or maybe cause i'm thinking nothing. And my subconscious is just so inclined on doing and thinking something... I end up getting frustrated about this nothing, trying to turn it into a something, and still ending up with nothing! Oh deary, that doesn't even make sense. It's like I'm trying to rationalize something so petty as this.

Petty. Yeah, that's what this definitely is. But like I said, I go through this on a daily basis. Sometimes in a middle of a friendly chit-chat, sometimes in the middle of a class, sometimes in the middle of the street, sometimes in the middle of a good meal... I've thought about it. What triggers it. Nada. No answer. Again, nothingness.

Moodswing. Sigh. Oh no. Moodswing..