Oh Penguins.

Penguins, don't we just love them. For a reason more than just because they're adorable, but because in one aspect of life, they're actually better than us. Because when they find their mate, they mate for life. I'm betting they don't feel as lost as most of us do with relationships.

Good, enduring relationships don't just happen. There are no cupids, no fairy godmothers. It's a work of art that requires patience, intelligence, and just a lot of other things we most can't be bothered about. Hence, the bad and non-enduring relationships.

It almost sounds like a cliche when people ask me what's my perfect guy's anatomy. It makes me want to purge myself, sort of. I've never really figured it out.

It's been three years since my last. And i don't think that this year will be any different. So in advance, i can say...it's been four years since my last actual relationship. But who's in a hurry?
I've been dating, sure.

Some dating i've been doing. I roll my eyes at that. I'm at the height of my "easy-come-easy-dump" syndrome. No one has ever reached a second date... :/ Or more than two weeks for that matter. I don't know what to say..except that, i guess i really am not in a hurry contrary to what people may think being single for as long as i've been single.

Dead Blogger.

Well, Gia just accused me of being a dead blogger. So here I am rising back to life and typing away to blogger's paradise.

Anyway, sorry if I haven't been writing at all lately. Apparently, Gia checks out my blog more than I do.

LOL. :))

I have a lot of things to share with college life and all that other crap. So yeah, stay tuned. Haha.

The Afterlife: The Life After Life.

Why do people obsess so much about the after life? We call them suicidal. But why do they become suicidal? Is it just so much about ending their miserable lives, or is there something more? They're not so different from us, nor are we from them. We are all looking for answers. And we do stupid things in hopes of getting them.

There was a time, I sort of used to be suicidal. Or so they say. But how i felt then was that it wasn't really about ending life. It was merely the thought of ending it that seemed so attractive. There's that concept; it was that idiotic thought that you'd eventually end up somewhere where it doesn't hurt, where you're no longer in pain, where you're not miserable, where you are finally at peace. Even for just a moment.

And then there is also that clarity thing going on as you bleed out and then you feel stupid. And you just sort of know there's no such place. It doesn't get any clearer than that. All of a sudden, our technicolor worlds become oversimplified. And for a moment there is silence and utter simplicity, where there are no grey areas. Just plain black and white.

The solutions to all our problem become so simple. And you feel like you can do anything. And you just sort of know what's right and what isn't. What we thought to be so complicated, in truth, really isn't. But then the feeling goes away. That feeling of godliness the you could conquer all...as good as it feels, it goes away. And then we're back to our technicolored world, where everything is complex and nothing can be simplified, much less oversimplified.

So this human obsession about the life after life, it's not really about dying. We take away moments from this life to experience a good 90 seconds in the one after it. And in those moments, they literally take our breaths away.They literally make our hearts stop. And in the irony of it all, we understand completely what it's like to live and what it's like to love. And those are best 90 seconds of our lives.

Pissed.

So, I've been thinking about nothing for the past few days except this one thing that's been tugging at me since...since I've started thinking about it. Okay, that's not entirely true. Knowing me, I can't exactly be just thinking of one thing. But for the sake of emphasis, let's stick to that.

FRESHMEN ELECTIONS.


I've recently joined one of the two socio-political parties. TAPAT. (i'll post more about it later on.) So i have decided that I am going to run for Batch Representative for the upcoming Freshmen Elections. But there's a little something getting in my way, my parents. Okay, maybe it's not just a little something.

They don't want me to run.

So there are two obvious solutions to that problem. Either of which I'm not so ecstatic about.
First: I could simply be a GOOD DAUGHTER and NOT RUN. Or..
Second: I could simply be ME and JUST RUN.

And knowing my parents, and the way they know me. I think they'd be expecting that I might just do the second choice. And while I am almost all for it, I'd like to think that I'm done with that sneaking behind their back schemes.

Sure, there's that third option I could negotiate and re-negotiate until they eventually give up, resign and realize that there's no winning that debate...But here's the thing, there's something else.

I have to go to trainings and sessions for TAPAT, which I have no problem. But they obviously do. It starts late, and finishes even later. And they just hate the fact that I actually have to go home late, with no means of going home. It's like a replay of highschool when I was SC President. But only this time, it's farther.

No means of going home. That is of course only true by their definition that they can't pick me up. Of course I'm not expecting them to pick me up. That would be absurd and insensitive. They have work and they'd get tired and I am just simply not about to put them through that.

So my solution? Well, i could always find someone who lives somewhere near me and ride home with them. There are a number of people I could hitch with. Or there are those buses that conveniently pass right in front of La Salle! It's a one-way ride home. OR as my last option, I could go home to Gastambide, my other house, which is way nearer to school. Although i'd still commute, but nevertheless it would be nearer.

And of course, as stubborn as they are...those aren't even options. So like I said, by their definition, I don't have any means of going home. You can imagine how I feel about this whole situation. Bullshit.

I get the fact that they think I won't be able to prioritize once again. It would be a replay of last year. I don't know how to balance my priorities. I'd prioritize council again. I'd forget my studies. I won't get to be Dean's Lister just like I wasn't able to get valedictorian or whatever. It's the same old reasons. I understand how they're thinking of my safety, that's why they won't just let me ride with anyone else and especially commute. I get all of it.

This is really pissing me off. I know I might be getting ahead of myself, I mean it's not even sure that I'll pass the convention and get to represent and run for TAPAT. And even if I do, it's not even sure that I'll win the elections. But that's not the point.

I get the goals that they're setting for me and that they want me to set those goals for myself. I get that they want me to be a consistent DL and that they want me to graduate cum laude or whatever. They don't want me to look back and regret that I didn't work hard enough for those goals because I decided to split my focus on other priorities. But this isn't just about getting high grades.

They say they don't pay for my tuition so I could run for council and eventually end up as council president. They do it so I could get good grades. I can't even begin to tell them how totally authoritarian that sounds. And even more importantly how very single-minded it is.

My belief is that we go and attend universities to be more capable human beings. And while getting good grades is part of it, it doesn't end there. In fact, it's just a small part of an even bigger picture.

I attended a recent session by TAPAT and we were given a talk. And I especially liked this one bit where the speaker said something like despite all the awards and achievements you'll receive, it's different to graduate with the awards than graduating with a whole community by your name. And that the latter bears more meaning with it.

It's different. Being a leader, being a torch-bearer and at the same time serving a community...that's where my passion lies. There were times that I thought I couldn't bear the responsibility anymore and that the burden seemed to be too much for one person to bear. Sure, the climb was hard, but getting to the top was a feeling like no other. It's what makes me happy. It gives me a sense of fulfillment like no other. Working hard at a job and committing to it, it's like a high to me. It's almost euphoric.

It makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger. And what's so great about it is that I really am part of something bigger than me. It's more than just being under a constant leadership training, but more importantly it humbles me.

How I feel is that this is what makes me...ME. This is my calling and there's no other way to explain it. All our lives, people search for life, for it's meaning, for something that makes them feel worth it. It's that high we're looking for. And this is mine.

I can't ever imagine just studying and feeling like any other ordinary student. And that's what they expect me to be, or at least for this freshman year. I don't know. But even if it's just for a year, I can't be that kind of person just being a regular bum. I need to be part of something. I need to work on something. They might contest that excelling as a student is not being an ordinary student, but the way I see it: you're just an ordinary student with good grades. And it ends there. It's superficial. Knowledge is not just about getting good grades, it's how well you learn and apply it to your life.

So you know..fuck it. Sigh.

Update Schmuckdate.

It's been a while since I've last updated my page. But like I said at the very beginning, there was no guarantee that this site would last. It was bound to end up like all my other blog spaces--inactive, unupdated, stagnant, & useless. It's like a journal that I hid somewhere and forgot it ever existed.

But for the sake of continuity, I'll delay what I really have to vent out and type out in hopes of calming my nerves to actually update what has been going on and where i have been the last couple of days, weeks and months.

So, for the sake of continuity. I'm happy to report that I am now in DE LA SALLE-MANILA. I am now officially green-blooded and trotting around the DLSU campus. I still ended up taking a pre-law course. Ha! And i'm taking double majors: Political Science and Legal Management. Yes, i belong to my rightful college, the college of Liberal Arts, where the eloquent and the fervid are. Or at least I'd like to think so.

I am feeling a bit not myself right now. Pissed, is more like it. So let me delay no longer and let me pour out my burning, ardent feelings of pissed-ness.