boring day

today's just another day. zzzz...

shit, i have school again tomorrow. sigh.

xoxo Trish xoxo

:-/

Loneliness should be a feeling, not your day-to-day companion.


We wake up everyday, trying to make sense of the world. Scientists try to make sense of..uh, science. Parents try to make sense of their growing teenagers. Teenagers trying to make sense of growing up (others of sex). Pre-adolescents trying to make sense of puberty. Old couples trying to make sense of marriage, and maybe even of divorce. Students making sense of their homeworks. Widows making sense of death. Dying patients making sense of life. Basically, people just trying to get by making sense of the world, their world, this world.


Since childhood, loneliess has been my feeling & my companion. It goes away, just like most feelings do. And then steps in to be my companion, when companions go away, just like most do.


Are we lonely because people left us alone? Or maybe because we choose to be alone?


There are a lot of sides to loneliness. But there are at least two that we should be aware of. I've given it a lot of thought. Nobody really wants to be alone. Because just the fact that we think we are lonely, that we feel lonely, that we simply acknowledge that the word lonely applies to us...means that we are. We are lonely because something is missing. Maybe because something we've grown used to is no longer there, we are missing something. Or maybe it's because we're lacking something. We're lonely because we're searching for this thing that we're lacking.


No, we really can't say that we choose to be alone because we want to. Nobody does. There's a significant amount of different to solitude and isolation.


Solitude is our "me-time", a time that we are alone with ourselves and our thoughts. But not necessarily lonely with ourselves and our thoughts. It could be enlightening and even empowering. They're different, okay? Even though if you check the dictionary, they're synonymous to each other. (LOL.)


So, we isolate ourselves. We choose to be alone. Isolation. Not solitude. Definitely.. There is no solitude in isolation. But why do we choose to be lonely? Maybe because over the years we've reached out to people, and we didn't get the response we wanted. Or maybe we didn't get any response at all. Maybe because we've been hurt so much. That's an ironic thought. Loneliness is a product of pain, while in itself it causes pain as well.


It becomes our defense mechanism. We build a wall around ourselves, keep our shields up. "Never mind that we are lonely, just as long as we don't get hurt." Take a little pain, to avoid more pain. There it is. That's the thought that keeps us going. It's our fortress, our shield. But i'm sure we've all heard it from somewhere... that wall you've built around you is not keeping other people out, it's keeping you in.


I've been there. And maybe to a certain degree, I still am. I used to say that maybe this is what i'm meant to be. Isolated. Numb as the heart bleeds empty. It all started out with being lonely. And I got so used to it that I eventually forgot that I was lonely. Lonely is me. There was no use in labelling it, because as far as I was concerned. Where there is "Trish", there was lonely. There was this one quote that had this line..The last letters of lonesome is "ME". Yeah, that had me written all over it.


I'm no expert. But I do know one thing. Actually, a lot of things. at that. I know that our God is a good god. I know that we shouldn't have to be spending most of our time figuring things out. But instead just trust in Him that he will make it good for us. He will make good out of the certain things that happened.


And if that...sadly, doesn't work for people. I also know this to be true. I know it's better to cry. I know it's better to miss some things. I know it's better to feel. It's good to know that we have tears to shed, and that we have things to miss. Because through this we acknowledge that there is something better. We know that there is something beautiful, that there is good. We are lonely because of the better things we clamor for. And that's better than not knowing if there is good left in this world.


Even if it's painful, I know it's better to have someone. It always is.

Oh no. Moodswing.

Sigh. Oh no. Here we go again..

One thing about me? I have the nastiest moodswings.

Well, no. It's not that nasty.. I don't go around throwing a bitch fit at everyone I see. Just that, i get moodswings for no reason at all. Or maybe there's a reason, but it's a reason that I fail to see. I mean, out of nowhere, i'm all smiles. And then I sit on a couch. And after that, i'm either pissed at the world or sighing out of total depression. No fake moodswings. No fake frowns. Or fake sighs. I kid you not. TOTAL MOOD SWING.

Oh jeez.

I don't know. Let me describe how I feel:

I feel like i absolutely have no purpose for being here. I have weird thoughts. And if I get weird moods.. Well, let's just say that WEIRD THOUGHTS + WEIRD MOOD = DEFINITELY NOT GOOD. I just want some quiet time. I need some alone time. I need to think things through. And so I think.

And I think... But I am thinking about nothing! It's being bothered by this nothingness that sooo haunts me. I'm not being emo. This is me. On a daily basis. This is a daily routine that I've been meaning to get rid of. But there has got to be a reason for these stupid mood swings to be ruining a completely good day.

So yeah. There's this certain nothingness bothering me. Maybe cause i'm doing nothing. Or maybe cause i'm thinking nothing. And my subconscious is just so inclined on doing and thinking something... I end up getting frustrated about this nothing, trying to turn it into a something, and still ending up with nothing! Oh deary, that doesn't even make sense. It's like I'm trying to rationalize something so petty as this.

Petty. Yeah, that's what this definitely is. But like I said, I go through this on a daily basis. Sometimes in a middle of a friendly chit-chat, sometimes in the middle of a class, sometimes in the middle of the street, sometimes in the middle of a good meal... I've thought about it. What triggers it. Nada. No answer. Again, nothingness.

Moodswing. Sigh. Oh no. Moodswing..

Changed in the Lord

Like I said, I would be transferring here some of my old blog posts. I have a lot of blogs, so they're all kind of scattered. But i'll be putting in the bits that are most relevant to me.. :) Here's one.

"Changed; in the Lord" (August 03, 2005)

Even if it may take me forever to really grasp the concept of a so-called "lasting happiness"; at least there are moments wherein i feel happy, despite the fact that there are tears streaming down my cheeks.

Perhaps I have more than one purpose that's why I'm here. And one of the most important of them all is my purpose for God. After all, without Him.. where would I be?

Last saturday, I went to YOF for the 2nd time. I cried. again. yes, i know. again. And it was that saturday wherein I made the best decision of my life. I acknowledged my fears (i guess....), my sins, and all the mistakes in my life. I acknowledged ME. And I asked the Lord to change me, save me and take me into His arms. And before I knew it...there I was in front. And I wasn't alone. What I felt that time was a mixture of joy, sadness and confusion. And despite the fact that I was confused for some reason..I also felt SURE. I felt sure that I wanted a new life and that I wanted to be changed. And maybe I haven't totally entered that new life yet... but i know that i am advancing towards it.

I guess, there really are second chances in everything. Sometimes we're just too blind or too scared to take it.

I guess, things would be better.. I really do hope so. 'Coz im tired of living the way I lived. I want it all to change........

Posted on August 03, 2005

I've gone through a signifcant amount of things that...changes a person. And it really doesn't matter how young you are, or how old you are, or how much you've already gone through. The Lord has His reasons just as much as He has His ways. And once we've lost sight of that, we're pretty much lost. Just a split second that we mix hesitation with our faith, that split second just cost us a wrong turn. And in effect, if you were as unfortunate and blind as I was, would cost u more wrong turns.

We all have second chances. And I suggest we grasp them the moment it comes knocking. No, it's not because it may never come again. But simply because it just feels damn better to be living the right path than straying off to some God-forsaken path. Why do we have to wait a little bit longer to do the right thing if we have a chance to do it now?

I don't feel like writing about it now, but I'll be talking about my spiritual journey. LOL. It was a surely surely interesting ride. Interesting and profound. :)

Oh, and lastly, here's a comment I got from my Aunt. It's beautiful. :) Tough love. haha.

Comment from my Aunt D:

You've been through so much emotional turmoil as early as 5 years old. I know you have so many what if's and if only questions in your mind at this point in time and I know at night you cry when you sleep. I would give everything in the world to spare you from all these.. BUT what will that do to you then? ^_^ Though I will not be able to protect you from the world's madness I will always be here for you with my prayer for HIM to hold your hand whereever you go. It doesn't mean though that He will spare you from the hurt and pain that will come your way, but believe me the Lord will be faithful with you every step of the way and that step no matter how painful will bring out the best in you, it will mold your character. Trust in HIM, never let go. For He is the only one in this universe who will never leave you nor forsake you. No matter what, you will always be loved.

There is this line in a song that goes like this:

*~*
When I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one way street, I look above, and I know I'll always be bless with love.
*~*

Love others as you love yourself. I love you and I am soooo proud of you. ^_^ My beloved niece and our firstborn.

PS: stay away from personal inflicted tatoos OKAY! Don't do what I did!!

Posted by: Doll August 26, 2005 12:20 AM

Like I said, tough love. :D

Why Blog?

The word 'blog' is actually short for web log. And if you're an avid blogger, then you should know just how far the blogging network actually expands to. Far, far, far.. And i mean reallllyy farrrrr.

Oh man, the world is so categorized. Even in the internet. So there are the chat freaks, the bloggers, the online game addicts, the techie freaks, the troublesome hackers, the neutral surfers, the student researchers, ..LOL. You get the point? Or need I be more specific and add some more? The YouTube folks, the Friendster fools, the Myspace maniacs, the Facebook fanatics. See? Yes, you do. okay, back to the subject.

So why should I blog? Or why am I even bothering to blog? Seriously, why? I have no idea. Maybe I'm really bored with my life. Or maybe it's just because I love to write. I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I even got in trouble during pre-school for writing on my classmate's face. (I kid you not!) :))

Writing is a breather for me. It calms me down, or in some cases it works me up. If not for pen and paper, or nowadays keyboard and Word lol, i would've done a looot of stupid stuff just so I could release emotions and random impulses.

Yes, yes. We all have our ways of venting out. This is mine. This is my breather.

Back to Blogging?

Soo, i'm back to blogging. Awesome. I wonder for how long I can keep updating this site. The last one sure didn't last long.

Let's give blogger dot com a try. :D